Bad Girls Go To Hell

I've decided making jewish jokes about gas chambers is not ok for other anyone to do (whether or not I am in earshot.

Also my world today teacher is a raging hypocrite and every day he tests my ability to not jump across the room and hurt him.

And yeah I'm ashamed to say this made me feel a little better about today...

Charlie Brown

In the past few days I have learned a few things:
1. Having three dogs in the house, one of them a teeny puppy, can be both gratifying and stressful
2.  Playing Lego Indiana Jones on thanksgiving is my now-preferred activity.
3.  Key Lime Pie is a necessity.
4.  I love my family a lot, and I'm really thankful for them even though they put the dysfunctional in dysfunctional.

They also put the fun in dysfunctional.

Olivia Benson

I have very conflicting feelings on Taylor Swift because she named her cat Olivia Benson and her recent album was pretty kickass and did a good job making fun of the right things (I.E. the media and herself).

But, she removed her music from spotify, because I'm also undoubtedly sure she's a stuck up pop star.

But she is, like, best friends with Karlie Kloss who I love. And her music is very danceable.

Also, did I mention she named her cat Olivia Fucking Benson? Absolutely genius.

"But I've got a blank space baby.
And I'll write your name."

Nabuma Rubberband

So, we're in colorado and the main thing my roommates and I have been doing is watching Criminal Minds. We're really productive, I know.

Also, I'm pretty much subsisting off cheese sticks because any meal besides dinner really just requires too much energy to cook and why cook when you can just have a cheese stick and some odwalla?

I'm a mature seventeen year old, I know.

Guppies

In the play, my costume is a fifty pound solid wood box on wheels which i have to crawl in and out of, with help from two different people.  Today, I was trying to maneuver myself around backstage and someone swung a plank of wood near me and I tried to dodge it and toppled over in my box (everyone calls it the prison)  and started crying because I was so startled while the backstage guys were running around going, "Oh shit! Katy how do you get out of the box we need to get you out of the box?!" "Shit what do we do? Is she Okay?" "Tip it this way, no she's still in it get her out of there!"
And then I got out of it and I was still crying because i banged my knee and my head and ribs and I was kind of stumbling around because I was dazed and then Ali ran over and was like, "Holy shit that was the loudest bang I've ever heard, I thought you got shot!"  And Worm asked me if I was okay and I was still so dazed I couldn't even talk.

Then I went home and Marissa (who we call stone cold Mariss), who's my mom for the week, took one look at me and said, "Oh you poor guppy!"

And I was so confused and sore that I didn't know what else to do so I said, "I, Marissa, and most certainly NOT a fish."

Kill Me Later

Today has just been so long and I have to take the SATs in a few days for the third time and my college application still isn't done and my phone completely broke today and my head really hurts.

So after I got home from school and finished my homework (well...sorta) I found out my new shirt had come in the mail and that we had annies bunny gummies.

So right now I'm sitting in my room with no pants on, a my neighbor totoro t-shirt (catbus-its awesome) and am watching spirited away, munching on packs and packs of annie's gummies for dinner.

Best part- I literally have no regrets about it.

Caring is Creepy

Today, it was raining and I picked my friend up for a coffee date. The dirt roads were absolutely ridiculous and my skid control turned on and I almost cried.

So after that great experience I refused to drive over twenty miles an hour on any dirt road and any time the speedometer got anywhere near twenty I would scream, "I'm not comfortable!" In a brooklyn accent and hunch my back and put my face pretty much right on the steering wheel.

My friend decided to take a snapchat story of it and post it for the entire world to see.
After that, I banned technology use in the car for the rest of the ride.
And when I say banned I mean I took her phone and put it down my shirt and then screamed, "DON'T TOUCH THE DRIVER."

And I wonder why my mother didn't want me to start driving....

Act My Age

So uh... haven't posted in a month whoops.  Sorry bout that, I'm too busy for you.

With that, I'll leave you with this quote:

"Getting a job is like a pregnant woman giving birth, you tryin to push me in the wrong direction and it f**king hurts."

Ultraviolence

The other day when we were listening to Lana del Rey's album Ultraviolence, Kara said, and I quote, "listening to Lana del Rey makes me want to be in an abusive relationship for so many reasons. I mean, just listen to her. LISTEN!"

.....awkwerd......

Valentimes

"I'm so fucking stupid!"
"Hey, its all right.  A lot of people are stupid and still live full, productive lives."
That is parenting at its finest.

That Still Counts, Right?

We went to Sushi Yoshi on friday night with my Dad and Wendell and my brother and his friend and my friend.  Then we let the old guys pay the check and we went on our merry way to the lamest minigolf ever but it was okay because I slayed.

Although, the definition of slayed is a little hazy, so here's how the minigolf went down: My friend and I kicked the balls into the holes, automatically giving us a hole in one.  My brother and his friend rolled their eyes.

Because thats how mini golf works right?
After we made it in, we'd scream, "Kobe!!!"

Roll Down The Damn Hill

I was babysitting these kids (their uncle who is my age was helping me watch them) and we were outside on their "sprawling and gorgeous grounds" and the little boy just pulled down his pants and started to go pee.  Fine, right?  Then he started to spin around giving his pee a sprinkler-like effect and it got ALL over the two little girls so then we had to give them a bath.

As punishment, we made him roll down the hill.  He cried the whole time.
Call us terrible people, I dare you.

Full Disclosure: we put them to bed early and then watched scary movies for about four hours.
#noragrets #okmaybesomeregrets

The Internet Is Forever

After my friend and I went hiking, I was rapping along to a Hoodie Allen song in the car, and I was absolutely killing it.  Then, I said the wrong word and screamed profanities at top volume.

We were at the top of the ap gap and the car was stationery and after I screamed the *ahem* not appropriate *ahem* words, an elderly woman came over to the car and asked if I was alright.  I told her I stubbed my toe and I was sorry that she had to hear that language and she told me her granddaughter stubbed her toes all the time and it was perfectly normal to get upset about things like that.  Then, she told me I needed to start taking more multivitamins.  At this point I was fairly confused and just nodded.

Then, she gave us an obama bumper sticker (she just happened to have that on her??) and walked away.

I think I almost peed myself from laughing.

Tales from the Tail End of a Dragon

On the fourth of July, I helped with a float in the parade (very last-minute) and I was in this tail of the dragon and one of the support beams snapped.  I was then forced to sit and be poked by a giant wooden beam for an hour or so.  It was a fun time.

My friends, who were holding up the other parts of the dragon tail kept cracking jokes at me like, "Its really shitty to be near the ass of a dragon!"

They weren't even that funny.

Pay the Piper

Its really late and I was going to go to bed at a reasonable hour but I put on sixteen and pregnant and then I put on SLiDE then I found out that Kat Prescott is going to be in a new show and I LOVE her so I had to research that and then I looked up and it was four hours later and now I'm really tired but its too hot too sleep.

And while I'm sitting here I'm positively itching to get back to my tv shows and dear god I think I'm addicted to the internet.

Thats a real disorder now.  Fact of the day.

Probably Should Not Have Done That.

I had a few hours to kill, my friend had just gone back to Pittsfield, and my parents were nowhere to be found. So, I hopped in the car, and picked up some late lunch/dinner at three o'clock in the afternoon.  I sat at home eating it for a little while, catching up on youtube channels, because what crazy wild teenager doesn't do that?!

Then I was bored so I grabbed the keys, put all the windows down, turned my music up all the way and took a very roundabout trip up to the top of Lincoln Gap and then the Ap Gap which, in total, took about two hours.  During this I constantly had to pause my music because my mother kept calling me because she was "worried" about me.  Mothers intuition anybody?

And then, as I was only ten minutes away from home, someone almost hit the car because I was trying to save a chicken's life and they were on their phone (the driver of the other car, not the chicken).

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Do not drive without a license.

Also, the chicken's fine.

That's the Vodka Talking

Awkward Anecdote of the Week:
I was driving home from a movie with my friend (our three other friends went in a different car and I was all, "Oh you don't have to drive alone, I'll go with you!" like the nice person I am), and he kind of likes the Arctic Monkeys and I kind of love the Arctic Monkeys.  So we were listening to Iggy Azalea because we both think she's fabulous and then he was like, "Katy play me a song I've never heard before."  So I went and put on I Wanna Be Yours, by the Arctic Monkeys.

This was a bad choice and here's why.  Some of the lyrics are:
-"You call the shots babe, I just wanna be yours."
-"Secrets I have held in my heart, are harder to hide then I though, maybe I just wanna be yours, I wanna be yours."
-"At least as deep as the pacific ocean I wanna be yours"

So we're listening to Alex Turner croon this damn song away and I'm jamming and he's jamming.  Then he looks up and actually starts to listen to the lyrics to a second, and then at a red light he looks at me all serious and asks me what the name of the song is and I tell him and he sits back looking a little confused.  I of course am just like, oh maybe he doesn't feel well after eating the entire bag of twizzlers (they were MY twizzlers).  And then, after a few seconds he asks, "Um, are you trying to tell me something with this song?"  I look over at him, face absolutely plastered with mortification, and manage to squeak out a "No."  Then he starts laughing and gives me this sly smile and is all, "Are you sure about that," even though he can plainly see how embarrassed I am.  And then he hits me on the shoulder.  "Relax kid I'm busting your balls."After that I crawled into a hole and prayed he wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the night.  As we were watching some awful scary movie he looked at me very seriously and told me he was really joking in the car and that it was a very good song, and that he knew it didn't mean anything and then I hit him and he rolled his eyes and we haven't talked about it since.

And from now on, I'm not playing the Arctic Monkeys when I drive with him.

So Lets Get Started

Welcome to this blog, where you can read my weekly anecdotes and either laugh with or laugh at me. You decide.